Saturday, September 18, 2010

Missing Mark still, after two years

It has been two years since Mark died - the 17th of September 2008 - and the pain seems to be undimmed. Perhaps the jab is less frequent, but certainly not less intense and it still brings me to tears.

I can't hear the song "Leaning on the Everlasting Arms" without remembering singing it to Mark as he lay there unconscious - and the chorus is especially precious - and it was the last song I sang to him as he began to take his last breaths and before going to call in the rest of the family. I also sang "All to Jesus I Surrender" - and I pray that the combination of those songs broke through to his mind, his heart and that he did make a full surrender before deciding to let go to life. All his much-loved family was there, immediate family, daughters, even ex-wife. Roger had taken that day off - just couldn't take any more, and I know Mark would have understood that - they understood each other so well.

I talk to him often in my heart - I know he is asleep in the grave, but still, in my thoughts he is present and so I talk to him and I apologize to him for treating him with such disdain for so many years, leaving him to carry the burden of his addictions alone. I'm so sorry, Mark. I'm just so sorry.

...... Just had to take this break from knitting to let out some of my feelings.

1 comment:

Barbara said...

I stumbled upon your blog, looking for pics of the 'round shrug'.
My son was 34 when he passed away in 2008. Although he was a functioning addict, he struggling with addiction for many years. I swung between treating him with disdain and molly-coddling him. Even though it's been three years, I remember him a hundred times a day... same as I did all his life.
I just wanted to reach out to you and tell you that you are not alone in your pain. Some days are good and some days are difficult.. I don't think that will ever change. All we can do is continue to love and remember them.